I can feel it coming, its not here yet but it will be, sooner than I think. Its hard not to wish away these days with the boys, full of chaos, yelling, stinky feet and sticky hands, but someday it will slow a little, and I will welcome that. It’s hard not to feel the guilt of wishing it away, but honestly, I do.
Someday there will be more hours between the chaos, then where will I be? Who will I be? It feels almost like a failure as a SAHM. That moment when, yup the kids don’t need me 24 hours of the day, so that makes me pretty much useless? This moment of transition is weighing heavily on my mind as I think about my future mixed in with my children’s because the biggest lie of motherhood is that when you become one you have an firm opinion on everything. I don’t. I am still learning, right there along with my kids. In the trenches of life everyday, those glorious, muddy sunlit trenches. Its hard work raising little peoples, while you are still raising yourself. That gray area where you are still figuring things out is where all the doubt creeps in. Its creeping. My mom friends who all retained some of their identity by keeping a part time job, or full time career, whether by choice or necessity, will more than likely make it through this transition easier. I feel like I am at the beginning of college and told I can do whatever, except I am getting older and I at the BEGINING. It’s frightening, what if I make bad choices with my work, my home, I am not just screwing it up for me, but my family. They would be the collateral damage. It’s happened.
Trying to jumpstart my fried brain, carry on a conversation that doesn’t revolve around development stages, to motivate myself with out little voices pushing me on, these things scare me.
I think people get offended when I talk about this, that just raising my kids isn’t enough. It’s not. Sorry. As much as I love my family. I need something to fuel my soul that I do for myself.
Where are you in the journey? How do you fuel your soul? Do you feel yourself growing, right there along with your kids?