In the mud.

Feels like I am just slogging through all this.
How to be the person I want to be, how to take care of those I love. I am just barely making it through, and it is so frustrating because I feel like I am doing it in a vacuum. The changes to my self that feel monumental, are barely perceptable to others. The things I would love to do have to be put on hold which frustrates even more my temper which I am constantly losing a battle with. I feel a shadow of my self and a shadow in my life.

But what do I do?

Here’s what I am trying to do.

Taking part in Flora Bowley Bloom True Course.

I thought one way I can keep pushing forward in my dreams is by trying to keep learning more skills in painting and finding a community. The course has been amazing and I am learning so much and meeting fellow like minded people from around the world. Right now though, I am completley and utterly frustrated that I can not dedicate as much time and energy as I would like to, and in answer to that I am mad, sad and completely frustrated by what I am putting out and what I am getting in return.

Make a support network.

I have been mothering in an isolated corner for about 2 years since we moved, and as anyone who has been parenting for any amount of time knows, it gets lonely. No matter how wonderful your partner is ( and mine is pretty wonderful!) I just have not been able to make friends like I did in the city. I don’t know what I am doing wrong and it just hurts. It seems no matter what at some point in the conversation it turns careers, and everyone I have meant seems less than understanding of how I can be frustrated being a stay at home mome and being an artist. Really don’t I have the best of both worlds? And I am completely written off. They talk about how it sucks working part-time and juggling that, and home life, and partners. And I feel for them. I really and honestly do. Its somewhat akward for me to discuss though the guilt I feel some day when I would rather just run away than stay for one more day in a house where my art supplies sit and find a thousand excuses (both real and imagined) to not be able to use them. It rips my heart up.

I have been working on myself and all my not so good parts. That hot headed part, that selfish part. I am trying. I am trying to figure out who I am in this world and this family while at the same time trying to guide little souls to be their best and sometimes it just gets all murky and mixed up. Its hard to guide, when your not even sure where things are headed yourself.

Okay, so this seems like a downer of a post. It wasn’t not really. It was an airing of dirty laundry. The truth that settles in my heart. Hearing my voice, even if in a void. What do you do when you feel like your getting mired down? I would love to know? Maybe next post a list of wonderfulness in the mess of life to combat the negative energy of this post? Maybe this post wasn’t really negative, but just me, letting some things go.

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