I keep seeing this mom I want to be. This wife. This sense of self. Its overwhelming. Very. Very Overwhelming. How do I see it? Well try this title on.
Whoa, I just layed that all out there for everyone and whoa, what a tall order.
Here’s the thing, I don’t expect perfection. ( It wasn’t mentioned anywhere up there on that list.) But I do expect to feel fulfilled and living my life to the full potential that I was given to use.
The other thing? I am not finding a lot of support in this. From raising a family in a mostly retired/hermentic neighborhood, to being someone who has a hard time making friends, to just not finding a lot of support in one place online for this journey that I have chosen for myself. So in true family spirit, you figure it out and if its not there, you build it yourself. So I am gonna try. Grow a little wild spirit here in Suburbia, grow some dedication and resiliance. Grow myself. Once a week I am going to post at least one resource that I feel supports this self I am creating. From art, yoga, spiritual, physical and eatable :). Its gonna be fun! You ready?
In the silence of the house now its easier to gather my thoughts, or at least pick them up from the scattered floor of my brain. Thoughts are slowly coming together after a whirl-wind of a summer. Did I do everything with my kids? No. Was it picture perfect? No. Did I lose it? Yes
Do my kids still love me? Abso-friken-lutely.
What do I want for my kids? For them to explore the world, even if they are never seasoned vetern travelers, to at least travel the immediate little world with all their visual and emotional capacity. To always be curious. To remember people are real and fail sometimes, but they can always try again. ( I teach them this lesson well and often.) To look a cultures and religion with open hearts and minds, but to retain confidence in their own beliefs.
I want my kids to grow wild.
There is no longer a wild frontier for my boys to help shape the skills needed to be a strong adult. But there is home and there is a world around us that we can act and react to. Sometimes I worry if I am up to this task of supporting and grounding that will be needed to make these three small boys live up and out to their full potential, but I think to myself, grow wild, you go, I will follow and when you feel a little unsure, grab my hand we can walk this path together.
But grow wild.
This world even if at this time, it contains the few surrounding block of our neighborhood offers so much. The colors and textures of our house and outdoors. The things you find on the ground. The food we grown and eat all made by our hands, using recipes from everywhere and anywhere. Our personal relationships with each other. The stories we create to transport us. The images we make to explain. The small community around us. How we spend our time and who we spend it with. Enjoying what here with us at this time and this place.
We grow wild.