I don’t know what I should be thinking, what I should be doing. I don’t know anything.
6 years ago. I thought I knew who I was. Not everyone liked me, I was okay with that. I had one rock onto which I anchored myself, my loving husband. I had a career that was taking me into all the places I wanted to discover. Than I made a choice a life-altering all-consuming choice.
I chose to be a parent. With my whole heart, my whole soul, and my whole brain. I don’t regret it for one minute.
Here’s the thing though. When you dedicate your life to something that you want so badly so much, you sometimes lose sight of the person that will make that happen.
I’ve lost sight.
That girl who could have gone to MCAD but instead went to Moorhead, because she already knew a name wasn’t everything but paying off debt could be. She’s gone. The girl who could see a picture in everything with out even trying, she’s completely bewildered. Someone who could pull colors from the sky, now too foggy brain to even notice. A girl who could make a mean meal out of leftovers in the fridge, who didn’t feel like her day was going to fall apart if her bed didn’t get made. She’s lost.
Lost in the everyday, the getting through, the just hoping her children don’t remember or copy her short fuse.
She wants to escape, to get herself together, so she can comeback a be here. Be present.
But every morning it starts over this place where I am failing. Its really that, when you feel like you are so constantly and consistently failing, you starting feeling like giving up, that there is no hope and why should you even keep up hope.
My children are beautiful and brilliant, and have so, so, much to give. But I feel tapped nothing left to give and I fear that they feel it all to much.
How do you keep giving everyday?
What keeps your soul on fire?
I just feel like a shadow.
I want myself back. The person I know can make this happen. Make my sons proud I am their mom, make them want to come home and not escape it. That they will see me as a person, not just a mommy, but a wonderful amazing person who travels this life with them always as a support.
How do you give more, when you are emptied out inside?